life update

OK its been a few days since my last entry. I can say since then I have dealt with some pain. I can't ever say this out loud. I actually have feelings. Ppl get the feeling that I don't and I like to pretend I don't. I no longer want to live my life in my closed in bubble.I  keep everyone at a solid close enough distance. I think what's frustrating is noone fully knows every side of me. Its why I spend so much time alone. I am back on my path with Christ and I feel like anew person. I am not gonna lie it has been a journey that does not end but I know my pain is for someone else. I should explain. I was in church crying crying in crying. See I haven't cried like that in almost a year. I have shed tears but not cried my soul. I still held back. I have the wall of china around my heart and mind. I did that to protect myself but it just covered the hurt. Im still trying to decipher what exactly happened to make me shut down and check out for so long. I feel as if my whole life I have just been existing and not living. But I lived so long feeling as if I dont exist. I need to say it. The things that burn me are; I have had my heart broken in many ways. Broken by the words of encouragement i.e lose weight I always feel like I am inadequate or lacking in everything. I walk around like I have it together but it gets hard. I struggle in school when I shouldn't be I feel that my outer appearence isn't good enough. That I always have to work on something and become more attractive. It goes with the next issue. Relationships. I can not say how many close friends or men friends who pledged to always be there for me...are not. I am 20 years old and I am already tired of this. It gets old being let down year after year after year. By ppl who you put closer than family. And some way somehow it is always my fault. But the e.e thing was the last straw. It is not the first time I have been manipulated by a guy I fell for but he did not fall for me. But it was the last time. I never really dealt with any of this and I am not sure how. its not that i want them in my life but I want to know how they are doing. That they are miserable because they know they messed up. Its when I see that they continue to move on and Im left to pick up shattered pieces that my strong resolve weakens. It makes me want to just hole up in my room. And I am having a hard time fighting that it is all my fault. You know yes I am only 20 but for the longest I have always imagined me loving someone and him loving me back. That is really all I wanted. A simple love story. I dont know where in the scripture does it say love hurts like a gun shot. I felt like its my fault no one decent approaches me. I felt like its my fault and I have to get whatever is handed to me because I dont deserve better. even though I know I deserve better. Im done i  dont wanna write anymore

today

today was pretty good. You know this is easier than I thought it would be. I think knowing that there is better helps. Knowing I have good friends helps.Knowing I have a God who loves me even through my biggest mistakes. Each day I live my life and i enjoy it. I do not want to waste my 20's pining after something foolish. And when i fall in love I am going to love hard.

just wondering

I just got to thinking. I wonder what it would be like to have a guy ask me about my dreams. I mean really ask about my dreams and desires. ask about what i fear and what holds me back. ask about my walk with God. Like a man to really dig in my life and not me offering up here and theres while i give all the focus to him. I want a man to really get to know my mind. but im scared to let someone that far in. no matter how much i care i never fully reveal all of myself to a man. I just want someone to push past the walls. Im tired of having the great wall of china up. its tiring. i want to experience the growth of a christian walk with someone. I want to experience a new love. part of my healing process is knowing that i deserve better really knowing.